Episode 17: Losing Loved Ones and Dealing With Grief

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Episode 17: Losing Loved Ones and Dealing With Grief

So, I this particular episode I delayed and pushed back for awhile. I wasn't sure how to address it since the grieving for me is still somewhat fresh, but I felt it I needed to face it. For me personally, some days are OK and some are not so good. I have days where I absolutely don't want to get out of bed. Some days I immerse myself into hobbies. There are days I cannot avoid what I am feeling. Losing my grandma was as if I lost two people. She was technically my grandmother but she raised me and acted as my mother. Even though my actual biological mother was alive and well, the bond I had with my grandma was one I never had with my birth mom. I clung to my grandma because that was all I knew. Even though my mother and I are trying to build a bond, it is not the same.

It was and still is difficult to cope. Months prior, all my grandma doctors told her she had 3 to 6 months to live. I was in disbelief. My whole life she was with me and what was I going to do without her. I did not want to accept it. Subconsciously I knew that physical death was and will always inevitable. I made it a point to present and in the moment. This is where part of my life purpose came into play. I made sure to spend every waking moment I could with her. I knew that one day, it would come, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I wasn't prepared, but I was so happy that I spent the time I did with her. Even thought it felt like it still wasn't enough. The memories I have of her I hold onto. I have handwritten grocery list, Bible scripture, doodles, letters and recipes. The mask from her BI-PAP machine I have. It was the last thing she wore while she was still live. While everyone else wanted jewelry and material items, I chose pictures, clothing article, Bibles, things that I felt couldn't be replaced and I dare not part with them. Though I have had threats demanding them, I refuse to hand them over to anyone. Another story for another time.

With grieving for me, came addictions. Being under stay at home order didn't help, but it saved me from having to face the world knowing she was no longer physically in it. I began to overly indulge in Uber eats. I gained weight and currently am doing everything to fight depression daily. I have had a very happy moments, but for the most part, its just not the same without her. I look at her picture and talk to her as if she is still here, but hugging her and actually being in her physical presence I miss. Like a lot. The pain will never go away and there is not a day that goes by that she isn't on my mind. I turn over at night and see her smiling on my wall. Its hard to smile back, but I am glad she isn't suffering here on Earth during this pandemic. 

The months prior to her getting sicker, I was taking care of my granddad. He suffered his second stroke and she was unable to care for him. To alleviate the stress and worry that fell upon her, I took over. I remember I just bought my phone I have now. I set both her and my granddad's ringtone to the same one. That was my way of screen my calls. She used to call me everyday and when I heard it, I would be sure to answer when I heard it, my granddad didn't call often but she did. Seven months later, I'm sitting here and hear the ringtone. My heart skipped, but soon realized it wasn't her. my heart broke all over again. Memories flooded back and I cried the rest of the night. Literally. 

I cannot give anyone advice on how to deal with grief. My loss has beyond devastating and I will never truly be over it. Even in my later years, the memory of her will still be there. That little ole lady left a lasting impression on me that will never, ever be forgotten. No one can tell you how to grieve or when to move on. If it becomes too much for your to bear alone, seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with it. I cannot stress enough how important counseling is and on this platform I want to remove that stigma. You do not have to go through alone. My goal is to spread my experiences and I hope this helped someone.

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