So I'm here to talk about something that a lot of us don't find out until we are older and as my the elders would say “up in age” Your life purpose. The sole reason you were destined to be on this earth, the reason for you being born. No one is just here just because. We all are part of something greater than we can fathom. You could be a martyr, a sacrificial lamb to awaken and open eyes to the masses You may be here to teach lessons, You could be a woman who is barren but can be a wonderful mother to a child who needs the kind of love and positivity you have within you. We all have a purpose. Sad thing is many people dying before know what it is or some are here not honing into the talents that we were blessed with.
When we were all created, we were all given something that no one else in the entire world has. Do you know what your ability or talents are? Even though we may have some talents that mirror other people, what's for you is for you. Period. I have a wide spectrum of talents but I personally feel only few are my life purpose. For a while, I felt like the only talent I had was drawing. But even at a young age that was minimized instead of fosters by a few of my family members. Though I wanted to go to college, I was told by my grandfather when I was around 12-13, and I quote, “just because you can draw doesn't make you special and don't mean nothing." Back then, that was a huge blow to my self esteem because at the time, art is what made me happy and gave me a sense of identity in this world. I stopped drawing. Negativity like that has a huge impact on a person, but I Will address that in later episodes down the line. I felt like this was all I had and wandered through life trying and failing to do things that made other people happy without looking within myself to figure what my purpose for being was.
For a very, very long time, I thought a job, having my own place, raising my son, having a vehicle were things that I was supposed to accomplish. This is what was instilled in me. And when I failed or made mistakes at doing any of these things I was made to feel like I wasn't shit. Yes, that is how I was treated. The only thing amongst all that I refused to be criticized on and still today, is anything dealing with my son. Another topic saved for later. Life isn't about being better than anyone, getting a bigger house, marrying a woman more attractive than your cousin. Only competition we need to attend to be concerned with is ourselves. That we are living our life purpose driven and doing what we need in order to make us happy.
I was asked to move back home to my grandparent’s home multiple times, even before she passed away. The first time, she had a heart procedure and she wanted someone there with her. My son had just turned three years old. I agreed and due to that decision, my son’s father was upset because we were living together at the time. It was only supposed to be temporary, a few weeks, but when I was ready to go back, I didn't have a home to go. He decided to let the apartment go without telling me. When my grandma found out, she told me she liked having us there. Even though this was a dysfunctional place and it triggered me, I stayed because I knew no other place. This was always home to me. The second, I fell gravely ill and was on the brink of my spiritual awakening. I was going to live with my mother for awhile. The same granddad who basically told me “just because I could draw ain't shit” looking ass, was offended because I wasn't going to come back. Can you believe that shit? Anyways, my grandma wanted me there and told me “you will always have a place to call home here” and that's where I went. She was right and I didn't feel at home anywhere else. Apartments and leasing are temporary and I wasn't going to “shack up” again with anyone else.
Me and my grandma always had a strained relationship. This is where my anxiety derived from, always feeling like I had to be perfect or the feeling like I was always being watched in case I fuck up and embarrass her. I was scared and to this today, it’s certain shit I refuse to do. From 2013 to 2020, I had the best years with her. Her health began to decline over the years right before my eyes. Here was this little old lady who was in her 80s still driving, going to the thrift stores and errands to someone who needed oxygen round the clock. She sacrificed and gave her all to her children, not to mention the mental, verbal and physical abuse she endured since she was married at 16. All of it took a toll on her health. So many things happened while I was there like her falling in the kitchen, fracturing her arm and skull. I cringe at the thought of what would have happened if I had not been there to take her to the hospital, to drive her to her doctor appointments, to cook, to run her errands and just care for her in general. I realized me being back there for her when she needed me WAS part of my purpose. No one else had the patience I had, the love, the devotion. I was at the point where I would say fuck that job when I started working. I just wanted me to make sure she got the care she needed and deserved. Who better than me? No one else in my family had the gall to take off work for weeks on end. I didn't care because I threw myself into what I knew was “for me” to do. This is what the Most High spoke to me. My whole world and the care of my grandma was my life. I did not complain because when everyone else made her feel like a burden, I gave her my absolute best and wouldn't change anything.
It is up to you to decide how and when you utilize the talents given to you. Sometimes, it takes a lot of soul searching to find out your purpose. Other times, it is right in front of us. From personal experience it is so satisfying to be living in and fulfilling your chosen destiny. Some people look at the fact that I have the ability to draw and say how much they wish they could the same way I could, but under my own criticism, I don't think my art isn't all that great. We all have that one thing that is ours and no one else’s. If you're compelled by something that you have an interest in, you owe it to yourself to try and cultivate it. And if it’s not for you, at least you tried. It's better to make an attempt, than to not try at all. Find your purpose and own it.
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