Episode 11: Hiatus Heaux

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Episode 3: Hiatus

Hey there. I hope you all have been doing well since this pandemic began and all the chaos going on in

the world. So much is going on its enough to make you stone crazy. I do hope you all are taking

care of yourselves and healing through this process along with your family. I had been gone for awhile because I needed to regroup and focus. 

At the time I started this podcast, I was caring for my dear gramma. I would watch her sleep while writing out my episodes. I had taken off work to make sure she was properly cared for. She had several illness that began to worsen, but she still was able to push through and just last year, at 82 years old, she still drove. During my time off, I wanted to make sure that I was there and I didn't miss any moments I could not get back. It didn't matter to me who wasn't around to help as far as family goes. I just wanted to make sure I WAS. I put my job on notice and really didn't give a shit about the outcome. This was one of my missions in life. I couldn't rest knowing that I wasn't able to see if she was ok with my own eyes. I get emotional just thinking about it. That's just how much I loved and still love my gramma. 

She raised me like I was her own. I talked about this in my Self-less Healing episode. Some people were even jealous of how she treated me which was no fault of my own or hers as well, but that won't be the tone of this episode. I'm not here to air family dirty laundry, just to let you all know the reason for the delay and my absence. I lost my gramma on March 13, 2020 and though we are now in July,the shit still hurt and will hurt for the rest of my existence. She was such an important person in my life. The order of importance in life is The Most High, my gramma and my son. I was there when she passed away, I stayed with her at her house while she was still ok and getting around. I remember one day she said go home i will be fine. Other family members were supposed to check on her so I was like ok mama but i will be back. I took of things at my apartment because I hadn't been home in weeks and she was insisting that she was ok the next day but it didn't feel right.

I went to her house to see that she was totally depleted, her oxygen machine had not been serviced and she needed me. No one else knew how to take care of her like I did. I told her i would never leave her again and i meant that and I didn't. My gramma was alive and responding up until the day she passed away in hospice care. I held her hand and slept next to her on a pull out bed. I would squeeze her hand and she would squeeze mine back to let me know she knew I was there. I sang to her when she was no longer responding, watching as i was preparing myself for the one thing i never wanted to deal with, losing her. I witnessed my gramma soul leave her body as she took her last breath.I crying most night and sometimes even in the day because i cannot believe she isn't here to see how great

I am, how courageous I have become.

She was and still is the love my of life. I have a biological mother, but there will never be a bond like the one i had with my gramma. I remember the week prior, i was taking her temp and blood pressure and she told me " No one love and care for me like you do" and began to cry. She was absolutely right. I told her it is ok. there was no need for her to cry because i would always be there. The rest of my life will be spent honoring and remember her as well as preserving her legacy and demanding respect on her and overall existence, whether when she was here in the physical or now her spiritual. I'm proud that she passed down so much knowledge to me and tho it may not be appreciated by others, that's all I have left of hers to hold onto. 

So now that I am back to growing this podcast, I have plans on making this something that will continue to live on. My goal is to still reach out and tell stories and share thoughts with those who may be going through the same things I have or simply for someone who is misunderstood to listen, feel like they aren't alone and someone else can relate. I do still have a full time day job, but just know that I'm still working on this project to bring you relative content. My calling in life is to heal, so if I can reach as many people as I can through this platform, my foot is on the muthafuckin gas.

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Listen at https://anchor.fm/poetically-endowed

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